Homophobia, which is the prejudice and discrimination against people with same-sex attractions, is harmful and doesn’t benefit anyone. Sometimes, attitudes and values about this can turn towards ourselves when we’re trying to figure out our own same-sex attractions. This can result in feelings of self-hate, shame, or disgust which all have negative impacts on our mental health. Internalised homophobia can increase vulnerability for same-sex attracted people in their relationships with partners, family or friends, lower self-esteem, and can lead to behaviours like substance abuse and having risky sex. Internalised homophobia can look like many things:
- Trying to change your sexual orientation.
- Feeling inadequate/broken due to your same-sex attraction
- Fear of vulnerability
- Having compulsive or obsessive thoughts or behaviours.
- Under- or even overachievement in an effort to fit in.
- Negative body image and low self-esteem.
- Hatred of guys who are more openly attracted to others of the same sex.
- Disliking or showing hostility towards femininity or feminine guys.
- Hating people who are different from us or similar to us. This could result in homophobic behaviour, such as making fun of, harassing, or attacking other same sex attracted people online, verbally or physically.
- Hiding your sexuality from yourself and others.
- Attempts to pass as straight, including sometimes marrying someone of a different gender to seek social approval or hoping to be 'cured'.
- Feeling anger or bitterness; defensiveness; shame or despair.
- Being hypervigilant about one's own actions, demeanour, beliefs, and viewpoints. Occasionally being very masculine in behaviour.
- Rejection of labels
- Risky sexual behaviours and other risk-taking behaviours that increase the possibility of contracting STIs or HIV.
- Distancing sex from love or being afraid of closeness. Occasionally low or absent sexual desire or celibacy.
- Considering bottoming as less-than, believing that topping or being dominant is the only right way to be sexual.
- Lack of care about the health and wellbeing of sexual partners (including sexual health, anal health, mental health, etc.)
- Unsafe use of substances, like alcohol and drugs.
- Experiencing suicidal thoughts.
- Fear of being found out, when a person may attempt to "pass" as straight in order to avoid disclosing their sexual orientation to friends, family, coworkers, or to protect their partners.
Internalised homophobia can make us hate ourselves or others who are same sex attracted. It can affect our interpersonal relationships and make us feel guilty or dirty from our interactions with other guys. Some people might be very anxious about their risk of HIV or STIs or scared of being visible or seen as same sex attracted by others.
We need to be kind to ourselves when we think about our own internalised homophobia. We've all grown up in a world where homophobia exists in different forms, and internalising these feelings can sometimes be a way to protect ourselves and our identity. Acknowledging that we all share parts of this experience can allow us to approach it with empathy, understanding that we are all works in progress, as we build a more inclusive and accepting world.
It’s also important to remember that being gay, bi, or having sex with men doesn’t make a man any less masculine. Sexual orientation is just one aspect of your identity, and it does not dictate how you should live your life. Embracing your true self and seeking support to address internalised homophobia are essential steps towards emotional well-being and self-acceptance. If you think you've experienced internalised homophobia and want to talk about it, visit our support page.