On this page: How do I know? | Before Sex | Sexual Health | During Sex | Aftercare | Seeking Support
Sexual consent is an active agreement where people can freely and voluntarily give permission for a sexual activity. Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted. Consent needs to be given without the influence of anything or anybody. Sexual activity without consent is rape or sexual assault. Consent is also important because it shows the person (or people) you’re with are happy and comfortable with what’s going on. Consent needs to be an active, continuous process because our desires, choices, and comfort level for things can change.
I’ve never done [insert sexual activity] before – how do I know if I want to?
A vital part of consent is getting to know yourself and what your personal limits and hardcore ‘yes’s are. You might think this goes without saying, but have you ever stopped and made a list of the sexual acts, positions, scenarios you like the idea of? When we’re exploring different types of sex for the first time, it can be hard to know what we like or what we don’t like. If we’ve only ever been able to explore these fantasies in our minds or through porn or tv, and it can be hard to imagine what certain sexual acts would feel like in the moment. This might take you some time to work out, especially if this is new for you. Start by exploring what kinds of sexual activity you might be interested in, and what things would be a definite ‘no’ for you? You can do this through masturbating while watching porn or using other material like images or stories, exploring with your imagination, and using sex toys can be helpful too. When this is clear in your own mind it’s easier to be clear when you’re talking with someone else. Remember, just because you think you might be interested in a sexual activity and by the time it’s happening you don’t want to anymore – that’s okay. Consent can be revoked (taken back) at any point.
Before sex
Before you have sex with another person, it's important to communicate with your potential sexual partner what you may want to happen and how you feel about it. This kind of conversation can be playful and fun, and can be part of your foreplay, too. But more than that, it serves to set up an agreement between you about what each of you like and don’t like – which is the basis of consent. By checking in beforehand where your interests are mutual, you can focus on what’s hot for you both at the same time as avoiding the potential for hurting or offending when you get together.
Be honest about how you’re feeling if something is new for you. For example: ‘I want to try bondage, I’ve never done it before though so I’m a bit nervous, can we take it slow?’ This might feel scary, but rest assured, you will have a much sexier and safer time if you take the plunge and let your partner know. If you’re the one receiving this information, ensure you create a safe place for your partner by letting them tell you how they're feeling, workshopping how they want the sexual experience to unfold and what they may like to try. This conversation can happen just before sex verbally or through sexting days in advance. Give your partner space to be vulnerable when they share their thoughts and desires in a way that empowers and encourages them, even if you don't want to do some of the things they have asked (that’s okay too!). This can support sexual freedom and can strengthen the bond between you. Keep in mind that when someone is sharing something that makes them feel vulnerable, you’re in an honourable position. Respond with care, your response can have a significant impact. Don’t yuck someone else’s yum.
Talk about your sexual health
When thinking about the kind of sex you want, make sure to include what kinds of safer sex methods you want to use. Talking about consent with your sexual partners also includes an agreement about how you’re going to protect your sexual health. For example, if you consent to anal sex with a condom, and your sexual partner removes the condom without your permission – that also removes consent. This is something called stealthing, which is sexual assault.
It’s important to take control of your sexual health and be confident about your chosen protection (including condoms, PrEP, U=U, what sex you’re having, etc.). It’s empowering, sexy and normalises the conversation. Getting tested regularly, is part of an active sex life. Knowing and being confident about your STI/HIV status can encourage someone else to find out theirs. The stigma that surrounds STIs and HIV affects everyone, and we can overcome this by simply having a chat about it. Having a chat about safer sex can be a fun and flirty way element in your foreplay.
During sex
Setting the scene for a sexy time is essential, but what about during the act? Checking in with your partner during sex is almost as important as checking in before. If there’s anything we can all learn from the BDSM community, consent can absolutely be sexy and does not interrupt the sexual experience; it actually makes it even better. During sex, it's essential to ask if different actions are okay and then reaffirm that consent once the act has started. As we said before, someone may like the idea of the sexual act; it may turn them on while watching it or thinking about it, but when it comes time for them to participate, they may not want to. As their sexual partner, it's vital you are aware of this and are checking in often. You can ask things like ‘do you want me to keep going?’ or ‘does this feel good?’.
A scenario could look something like this:
If you are making out with your partner and want to start to touch their nipples, you could say, 'I'm getting horny; can I touch your nipples?' and if your partner consents and you start to touch them once you have touched them, check in again and say, 'Does this feel good to you?' or 'Do you like what I'm doing?'.
An important skill here is observation. Watching for cues during sex can give you an idea of what your partner is enjoying and what they are not. Listening for signals such as moaning/lack of moaning and how their body moves/doesn't move when you touch them are good indicators that they either like what you are doing or not.
Aftercare
Aftercare happens after sex and involves caring for the needs of yourself or the person you have had sex with after sex in a way that is wanted. Aftercare can commonly involve cuddling and talking, showering together, hanging out and watching a movie. It’s a nice way to decompress after a sexual experience, and this will look different to everyone. For more information on aftercare and how you can practice it anytime, head here.
Seek Support
If you struggle with asking for what you want, forming the relationships you wish to, or negotiating your boundaries, consider speaking with a professional to work on these aspects of yourself. Head to our support page if you need to talk. Also, many resources are available to explore these topics online, in podcasts and books.
Two great places to start are these YouTube Videos: