Aftercare happens after sex and involves caring for the needs of yourself or the person you have had sex with after sex in a way that is wanted. Aftercare can commonly involve cuddling and talking, showering together, hanging out and watching a movie. It’s a nice way to decompress after a sexual experience, and this will look different to everyone. Aftercare can be a beautiful exchange of emotions or physical actions supporting your and your partner's sexual and emotional safety. Aftercare needs to come from a genuine place of care and respect, and if you can master that, you won't go wrong.
What do my partner/s want after sex?
Ask them. Having a conversation before you hook up about what your partner would like as aftercare could be a great place to start. Talking about aftercare can be super sexy. Ask your partner questions like:
‘What kinds of things do you like after sex? I like staying naked together for a bit.’
'If you feel vulnerable after we hook up, is there anything I can do to help you feel safe again?'.
'Do you like to cuddle after sex or get up and have a shower?'.
This is also an opportunity to set the scene for what you require. You could think about saying things like:
'Sometimes I can have some tricky feelings after sex and would be keen to go back to mine after and watch a movie. It always makes me feel a bit better, would you like to come?
What if there isn’t time for a chat?
Whether you’re at a beat, a SOPV or meeting someone for a quickie – there’s isn’t always time for a chat. Aftercare doesn’t always need to be long or look the same, it can include offering your contact details to someone for contact tracing if any STIs or BBVs are around. Aftercare doesn't just have to stop at the post-sex exchange, either. It's great to get into the habit of checking in on the people you have sex with on the days after you have sex, as well. Sometimes, it takes time to process all your thoughts, feelings and emotions and having a sexual partner respect that and check in can make your person feel supported and validated.
What if my sex partner doesn’t want to?
Sometimes, someone may not want to, or can’t meet your wants for aftercare. If this happens, it could be up to you to create feelings of safety and warmth for yourself, within yourself.
Having sex, particularly sex with strangers from beats, SOPVs or online, can be exciting and thrilling. This can flood our brains and bodies with all sorts of chemicals that can feel great at the time but might be followed by a crash. Some people can feel cold, tired, vulnerable, and sore after a sexual encounter. Particularly for people living with a disability or other chronic conditions, these feelings might be exacerbated. It's essential to think about the potential toll on your body and be prepared. Have fun and get creative. Here’s some ideas for what you could do to support you self-care:
- ask a friend to come over and help build a pillow fort and watch movies to help with any feelings of loneliness;
- take some medication that can help with swelling (e.g. ibuprofen), a shower and read a book to help centre yourself and reduce any swelling or pain
- keep snacks or comfort food ready and waiting for you when you get home
How you meet your wants and needs is entirely up to you.